Let Nothing Disturb Thee...

Let nothing disturb thee. Let nothing affright thee. All things are passing. Patience obtains all things. He who has God has everything. God alone suffices. Teresa de Avila


This is the perfect prayer for the parents of preemies. It is ironic how many centuries earlier, Teresa of Avila was inspired to write such words of truth. As her spiritual daughter, I come far short in living out these words of hers but they still bring me so much comfort.

The past 10 weeks have been full of pain and suffering. The uncertainty of so many possibilities, the visual suffering of ones child, the brutal separation, the ups and downs. Through it all, the words of St. Teresa bring me back to my Carmelite roots. I must confess that I have tended to stray a bit and have focused more on the earthly nature of my cross. However, when I read her words I am once again reminded of my spiritual yearning to be united to Christ my redeemer. Through her words I am brought back to focus on Christ.

LET NOTHING DISTURB THEE: During these past 10 weeks Christ has asked me to unite to his Divine suffering though my little cross. Kiss the cross and let nothing disturb thee. Christ carries this cross with me and he will not let me be alone. If I loose sight of Christ carrying this cross with me, then I will worry but if I believe and focus that Christ is with me then I must let NOTHING DISTURB ME.

LET NOTHING AFFRAIGHT THEE: Fear is so crippling. It was fear that kept me from saying yes to God so many times. It was to be free of fear that I said Yes to God finally. God promised me to release me from fear not sorrow. If I am free of fear then I can trust that nothing can happen that God will not give me the strength to bear. He will be my strength and so I shall not fear.

ALL THINGS ARE PASSING: This past 10 weeks have felt like an eternity yet each day has passed by so quickly. Life is but a glimpse of an eye. This trial is near its end and it too will pass ass away. I am sure that the passion of our Lord seemed like an eternity to his Holy Mother and yet here we are 2,000 years later. All pain and all sorrow feels endless but we must remember it is passing.

PATIENCE OBTAINS ALL THINGS: If there is one lesson a preemie mom learns ,,, is patience. We must allow God to work through his doctors and nurses, and therapists and other specialists. We must watch and see the miracle of life unfold before us. We can not rush the process, we can not hurry the growth. We must hold all those things in our hearts and wait...wait....wait amidst trials and sufferings... wait. We can not make them grow instantly. We must allow them to blossom in their time. Its like letting a rose bud grow until it is ready to bloom. If we tried to force a bud open, it would be destroyed. Our little preemies teach us patience for life.

HE WHO HAS GOD HAS EVERYTHING. GOD ALONE SUFFICES. In the end, throughout this pain.. we must hide to the cell in our heart where Jesus waits for us to comfort us, to give us strength, to embrace us. He is never far away, always within us. Find Him, deep in the cell of your heart as ST. Elizabeth says. The Trinity is within us and so we have everything because God Alone Suffices.

In Carmel,


Carmelite Shield

WOW. It has been so long since my last entry. So many myriad of feelings and the roller coaster has been wild.

In reflection and hind sight, it has not been easier and it has had its heavy crosses but none have been to much to bear with Christ at my side.

It has been 1 month and 1/2 and I want to believe that the worst is over. This past month I have been through some of the most painful moments of my life. I have had to trust that everything would turn out for the best. Trust is hard especially when situations turn for the worst.
In the past month, I have experienced the visible Love of our God. Who else would know how desperately I needed a sign but God? The day of Elly's first month birthday and 2 days before her surgery, God sent his Sheppered to us. Elly received a visit from Bishop Rhoades. What a truly holy and humble man. He blessed Elly with water from Lourdes and also blessed Marie, Teresa and Joey. I was able to kiss the Cross that John Paul the Great gave him when he became a Bishop. What a spiritual gift God in his goodness gave me. It helped me during the next two weeks as we encountered the turbulance of post surgery.

During this past 2 weeks, I have pondered a great deal on the Blessed Mother and how much she loves us. Let me see if I can explain. I have had the joy of being able to offer up our pain and suffering of Elly's physical pain and my spiritual pain. It has been joyous to know that our pain is not wasted but that we can offer it to our Father in Heaven as a gift of prayer.

As I came to visit my Bella and saw her in so much pain, it gave me some comfort to offer it up. This has made me think of the Blessed Mother. When the prophet Simeon told her that a sword would pearce her heart for humanity.. what did she think? Was she happy to endure it for the sake of our God? Looking into her little son's face did she feel the sword at that moment as she thought of the pain Jesus would have to endure? Looking at my Bella, I can only imagine how quickly her Happiness turned into a sharp pain in her heart as she looked at her Jesus.

After Elly's surgery, I looked at her she was bloated and in pain. I held her hand and told her that I loved her. This made me wonder how our Mother had the strength and courage to see her son after he had been beaten and scouraged. Wasn't he bloated too from all the beatings? What did she feel?

A week later when I was able to hold Elly in my chest again, I thought of the PIETA. There was the little body of my ill and sick child on top of me. I could only hold her and comfort her as best as I could. How did our Lady feel when her child lay lifeless on her lap? She beheld him and she could do nothing for him.

In this past month I have thought of our Lady. I have been joyful in offering up our pain for love of God and his children. There is however a big difference between offering the pain that has come your way and saying Yes to God as He asks you to sacrifice your only Child for the sake of humanity. Our Lady did not simply offer up her sufferings, she offered up her SON.

I love Our Lady more now than ever. She gave up her only beautiful son for me. She endured the most horrible of spiritual sufferings for me. She did not hold me in anger for having crucified her son,,, no she Loved me and embraced me and took me straight to her son. As she held her dying son on her lap, she could not hate or be angry ... all she could do was Love. Love because that is all her Son was dying for. So at that cross, Mary loved us more than any non divine being could love us. She embraced her spiritual cross for love of her son. In doing so, we became her children. We are brothers of Christ and have Mary for our Mother.

I have seen more deeply the pain of Mary mother of the second person in the Holy Trinity- Jesus. Indeed , I proclaim the Haily Mary and say.. Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Thank you Jesus for sharing your beautiful mother with us. Thank you for giving me a mother that knows the pain that only a suffering mother could endure and face. I have not suffered alone. Mary has been at my side sharing with me the pain of a mother. She has shown me her Son and will bring me closer to Him. She will give me to Him.

AVE MARIA!

Elly's Angels

Charlie's angels -- no way! The real thing is Elly's Angels!!

Elly's angels are as diverse but beautiful as the vast array of flowers that grow in a garden or in a field. Each contains its own beauty and each has its own mission. In the end, no garden would be beautiful with only one set of flowers and no field could display its magnificent beauty with only one set of flowers. It is the diversity and importance of each of the flowers that make the garden or field so beautiful. Each displays the Grandeur and Majesty of God and in them we know and sense the immense Love of our God for us. Those flowers are all for us.

Likewise, in each of you God has shown me His immense Love and each of you in your own way have shown your beauty and God's Beauty within you!

Elly's Angels have come to us like a finely arranged bouquet of flowers.

Elly's Prayer Warriors- You on bended knee keep my Elly near God's heart. Your prayers of love and pleadings reach out to Our Heavenly Father. Your selfless love reach the heights of heaven where the Seraphim worship the King of Glory. How much joy you must bring to God. That you care so much for such a tiny little daughter of His. Elly belongs to Our Father first and the love you show her through your endless prayers reach our Good God with a powerful fragrance of Love. Your selfless gift of Love and Prayer reach God as a fragrant bouquet of flowers that perfume the Throne of God.

Elly's Donors- In so many different ways money, watching our kids, getting rides with you, food, and many of your talents, you have given to us the opportunity to see and help our little girl in a very physical way. You have reached into your heart and shared your time, talents and money with us with your love and compassion. You have alleviated the suffering separation of this grateful mother. Your donation is only a reflection of your intense love that burns within you. You are a reflection of the generosity of God. You are part of the beautiful bouquet that is brought to God and which the angels smell with joy.

All of you are flowers in the fields who with your compassion send a sweet fragrance up to heaven. Oh, this fragrance which is formed in love from your heart, soothes our Lord because He is selfless Love! In a world filled with hate and anger and war, your love in all its forms, brings comfort to Our Lord. You have also filled our house with your bouquet and our house will be filled with this spiritual perfume for as long as we live.

Thank you so much for being Elly's Angels.

A visit with Miss Elly

God is good in every way. I was able to see my Elly yesterday and boy did I need that in such a desperate way. When I realized that the dye study was not done yet, I asked my husband if he could watch the kids and get off work early. I think he could hear the desperation in my voice because without hesitation he agreed whole heartily. No sooner had he gotten home when I was in the car and on my way to see my Elly Bella. I know that he wanted to see her as well but he selflessly let me go. My Joe is like my rock and my strength. I know I can get through anything with him at my side. I truly thank God for giving me such a good man to be with me. I have often thought about how much God loves me through my husband.

So, there I was on the road counting down the minutes to see my Bella. I could not get there soon enough. Finally, I entered the NICU and went to the side of the room where my little Bella was. She looked amazing! How could she be so much more adorable in just 1 day? Honestly, she looked bigger and fatter. I was sure she had gained weight. In just one day of not seeing her, I was able to see such a difference in her. It was a difference for the better but how amazing to see so much growth in just one day. Of course, my camera still has no batteries but I will fix that today.

I had to wait a little bit to hold her because she was still getting another x-ray but finally I was able to hold my little girl. Its amazing the bond between mother and child. It is beyond the boundaries of time and space, distance and circumstances. As soon as I held my angel, she felt my heart beat and snuggled into a deep slumber. She held me with her arm and rested her soft little head upon my chest. She felt safe and secure just as she had once felt deep in my womb. Once again we were with each other in symbiotic harmony. We were two in one again and our hearts beat as one. This is why Kangaroo Care decreases the mortality rate. The love we shared was wordless only our souls could feel and sense it and no words were necessary.

I needed to feel and be with her in this way yesterday. The doctor's phone call today was less fearful to me after my time with her yesterday. I saw how healthy and alive she looked. The possibility of all that she will endure was somehow softened by the fact that my Bella looked to be filled with inner strength and a healthy little body. I know that she will be able to handle what comes her way. She is filled with love, and prayers. She is so loved and that is giving her life. The love that is shown to her by so many people truly does reach her. Love also has no boundaries. The angels of God take the love and prayers from so many right to her. She is surrounded and protected by LOVE. God is Love and so many of you are his messengers and for this, I will be forever grateful.

Now, I await the next move of this roller coaster ride. For now, I am at peace. I hold fast to your prayers and support and Trust in God. Today is a good day and I will rest in Jesus. Friday, I will see my angel once more.

Thank you with all my heart for those of you have sent me contributions to see Elly, each time my heart aches, your generosity will enable me to see my angel. Only God who can know the depths of my gratitude can reward your love. I will continue to pray for you.

Thank you with all my heart for all who are praying for her. Your prayers are keeping my Bella alive and healthy. I will be forever in your debt.

God Bless,
Gina

Elly has her dye contrast

I am so totally emotional exhausted. The dye contrast for Elly is so much longer than I thought. It has been since 10 am and its now 4pm. I had no idea it would take this long and I am no where near my baby. She is enduring this whole thing without anyone of us there for her. How sad this makes me. If I had known, I would have gone to be with her but I did not know. I feel so bad for not being there for her today.

Today was not a good day for me, I had my staples taken out and that just took all the energy I had. I am not recoping very fast from this c-section at all. I am tired constantly and I still have much pain in my abdomen. Even if I wanted to be with Elly today, I just don't see how I could have physically been there. I hate not being able to feel better so that I can just be with her. We have a few donations so now we can be there but my energy and wellness level is so low. I felt so overwhelmed today with all the things I must do before next week and I just am not feeling good. I guess the dye test on Elly has taken most of my energies because its so important that the hole heals. The thought of surgery is very scary to me. At times, my mind will take me to dark places about the WHAT IF..... but I do not let my mind stay there because I will trust in God. The trust is hard but its what I must do.. Trust in God.

The separation is brutal. Now that I can hold her and be with her, it is so painful to say goodbye. I hope God gives me the strength to endure this separation for the next 3-4 months. For now, I offer it up and give it to God as a prayer for Elly's recovery and for all who have shown us so much love and support.

I don't know what the results of the testing will be so for now I will just go and rest in the arms of Jesus because I am just way too tired now.

Gina

Elly had a terrific day yesterday for her 2 week old birthday! I am so amazed at her strength and her progress. She has been so amazingly stable that I am finding it harder and harder not to get too happy.

Yesterday was one incredible day for her. She got off the ventilator and is tolerating it just wonderfuly, she pooped and that is so wondeful because that means her intestines are healing. She is so incredible.

Our friends who are just so wonderful they took us to see our Bella yesterday. I was so happy to be told that I would be able to hold my little Bella! I got to hold Elly for 2 hours in Kangaroo Care which means she lay on my chest for 2 hours. I felt her warmth and her little body on mine. She got to feel my skin and we were both united again! She even made the same little movements that she made in utero, at least I recognized them as such. I heard her voice and her little cries because she does not have the tube in her mouth. How do you describe the feel of yor baby on against your being for the first time? I was holding my child and it has only been 2 weeks. What a gift!!

I was a little hoggish... Joe did not get to hold her but I will give him his turn today. I think he knew how much it meant to me and he was thoughtful enough to let me do it first. I held her so close to me and I just wanted our souls to fuse. I wanted to communitcate my love for her through my breaths. We were in unison in our breathing and she settled in so quickly. Did she feel my heart beat and recognize it? I don't now but she settled in so nicely that her vitals were even better than when we first got there.

Another friend of mine made her a preemie blanket and hat. I covered Elly with her first little blanket that my friend made. It was incredible because her little blanket smelled like her and I wanted to take the blanket home just to smell my Elly. Before we left, I put on her little hat and she looked so cute, of course, my camera's battery died on me and I could not take any digital pictures but we did have a disposable camera. Hopefuly in a week, I will develop some pictures. We leave the camera there for the nurses to take picutures of Elly during the week.

I was complete yesterday and I slept soundly having held my angel for the first time. Thank you for your prayers which have made this possible and for my dear friends who took me to my girl and my dedicated and loving sister in law who watched my other little munchkins.

We will visit her today and I will spend more time with her. I can't wait!! Now that I can hear and hold her... its just undescribable how I feel.

I am also deeply grateful for my sister in law Denise. She has been our angel through all of this. She is always there to watch the kids when we need. She is a truly devoted aunt and a most loved sister in law. Without her and Joe's parents, we would be in a bind with our other kids but they are always there for us when we need them. They have always been there for us including when we went through this journey with Joey. No words could express our gratitutde for such loving support by our family.

Forgive the typo's I am just a horrible speller especially when I am sleep deprived!

Visit Elly's Page

Elly is stable

Picture taken 8-12-06



My visit with Elly on Sunday was quiet. I think that I totally exhausted her on Saturday after taking 109 or 106 pictures. I did not take my camera this time so that I would not be tempted.

I did get to wash her face and little bottom. She always looks so beautiful after her face is clean. She liked it very much and she did not fuss at all.

I was quiet content in just soaking her up inside of me. I could look at that little face forever. She slept most of the time and she slept very peacefully. I am amazed at how stable she is. She is quiet the little fighter.

Today is Tuesday the feast of the Assumption. I have been asking Our Lady to interceed for her on this her great feast. I know that she is with Elly in a very Special way. I have asked our Blessed Mother to cradle Elly in her hands just as she did her little precious baby Jesus. What better mother can there be than the Mother of our Savior? She loved him with all of her heart and so I ask her to love my Elly with the same tenderness.

Elly's leakage is getting better and that could mean that she is healing the hole in her intestines. I dare not get too hopeful just in case the hole does not close. I am trying to find a nice middle ground in trusting and being peaceful and just taking it with faith. Its not easy but then Faith is not easy is it? I thank God for the opportunity to allow me to grow in virtue and to trust in Him. Like Our Lord I sometimes say,"Lord let this cup pass me but not as I will but yours be done."

A friend of mine sent this to me and it is so inspirational:

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire

and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

I have a long way to go before the image of God visible but I can relate to the burning of this silver. I must be one stubborn mule to have to be refined in this manner 2x. I think I will try and be more moldable from now on! :)

On a lighter note, I am pumping enough milk to start my own little dairy business!! I don't think Elly will have a big enough appetite to finish off all the milk coming out of this factory!!!

May Our Lord be with you always and my His angels watch and protect you each and every day. Thank you for your prayers and you will be in mine.