August 11,2006

Well, Elly is now one week old. She is the apple of my eye. I can not stop thinking of her and imagining myself next to her. Its odd, I thought that the second time around I would be a pro at this but I am not. The pain is still the same and the separation is incredible.

Sure, I am not nieve anymore about what could happen and I am not constantly worrying about all the horrible things that could happen nor am I overly happy with the good news either. I have learned from my last experience that emotions are too painful ---- good or bad ones are all too painful. When you experience the emotional roller coaster, your best defense is emotional neutrality. Funny, I always wondered how MR. Spock really did it, well now I know.

How do I even begin to explain the feelings of separation? I have not held my little Elly in my arms and I will not for a while. I must conform myself with simply being able to touch her tiny head and little fingers and hands. I can not be there every day to see her. I can only be there in my heart and soul. I pray with all my heart that my angel can whisper in her ears how much I love her and wish with all my soul that I can be there all the time. Separted from her is so hard but I trust that our love is stronger than distance. Surely, she knows how much I love her. She was in my womb and part of me for almost 7 months. Our bond will keep us close even if our distance seperates us.

Torn apart by the fact that I can not be there and my other children is also nothing that I could have prepared myself for. I have 3 other children who need me and I must be there for them. The last time this happened was 7 yrs. ago. Marie was only 3, Teresa was 1 and Joey was a 24 week 15oz preemie. Marie was so devastated by what was happening. I promised not to let it happen again. This time they are older but nevertheless, they still need me. Being torn between the children who need me is also as hard as being separated. In the end, I know love is enough to keep us all together and strong at least I hope it is.

Do I regret taking this risk again? No, never. You can not look into the face of my tiny miracle and think that it would have been better not to have risked it at all. She is beautiful and that is why I call her Bella. She is a part of my soul now and always will be. If she can fight so hard for her little life, then I can bear it all for her.

So, how do I feel? I try not to. However, I am so overwhelmed by the love and generosity of the people around me who have shown me so much love. Love is such a beautiful gift. I have shared my Elly with so many people and I am now filled and surrounded by love. It is true that the more you love the more you live. I know that the love and Prayers that stem from it, are what sustain us. I don't know how to thank eveyone except to offer all of our pain and suffering as a prayer gift to the Father on their behalf. I don't believe in letting anything go without turning it into a prayer.

My prayer life. I want to grow as a person and mother from this experience. I want to be like our Lady and suffer with love at the foot of the Cross. I want to bear it all for love of Christ and my Elly. I come so short and I need God's help.

Today my Elly Bella is doing great and I thank God for it. I rest a little peacefully now at least for the next hours that she is okay. I pray that I will continue to have the graces to live in the moment and be thankful for this hour. I must trust in the Divine Will of God and know that whatever happens, He will be in Control and He will give me what I need to bear it.

Gina

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